Disenfranchised Grief - Alone with Loss

Generally, when we experience something tragic like the death of a family member or friend, the loss of a property from a natural disaster, we can trust that most people will show an empathetic or kind response. People might share their own similar experiences with you to let you know you’re not alone, and offer their support - emotional, physical, even financial. Attending a funeral or memorial service, posting photos on social media, engaging in other rituals or practices with others - these acts facilitate our grief, help us to make sense of what happened, and allow us to feel fortified by the support of our community for the road ahead. 

At some point, we may have experiences that stimulate intense grief and loss that we can’t or don’t want to “go public” with, sometimes not even with our closest friends or spouses. Experiences that are ambiguous (e.g. IVF with embryos that never materialize into a baby, family member losing personality due to dementia but is still alive) or stigmatized (e.g abortion, being dumped by an extramarital affair partner, learning of the death of an ex that your current partner never knew about, a suicide) may lead to grief that is disenfranchised, or, not honored as socially legitimate.  

We may not want to share details about our experience with the people to whom we normally turn when we go through a difficult situation. Some losses feel shameful or even unsafe to share with others. We can’t trust that the average person, or even a dear friend or family member, wouldn’t react with dismissiveness, indifference, judgement, anger, or disgust. We may fear damaging our existing relationships beyond repair if we disclose.

Sometimes, the most valuable benefit of therapy and the therapeutic relationship is the simple act of being witnessed by another person; to have your experience and feelings known and held with respect by another human being. Talking to even one person about your experience can reduce the sense of isolation and feelings of shame.  Keeping it all in, sometimes for years, is exhausting and can compound grief and sadness. Allowing your thoughts and feelings to exist outside of your head and heart can help you find clarity and perhaps some degree of peace as you decide how to honor your experience and move forward in your life.