Stages of Grief

We seem to love to throw around Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' "Stages of Grief" when talking about loss and specifically, bereavement. I think the appeal is that the stages feel like something tangible, an orderly guide, to reference when we are in the throes of unbearably messy grief. Here’s my beef: The Stages of Grief are outdated and not particularly helpful, or even applicable much of the time. Kubler-Ross coined the stages in the 1960s for people who had been diagnosed with terminal illness to help them come to terms with their own impending deaths, not for bereaved people to help them move forward in their lives after a loved one dies.

As humans, it can feel natural to label and categorize to help us understand difficult experiences. Many of us would like to believe we have some sort of road map through grief in which we end up, in the near future, comfortably at “Acceptance”. Sounds benign and breezy. For some losses, this may apply or feel helpful. For others, the idea of acceptance doesn't fit. “Adjustment” is a better term; we adjust, eventually, painfully, to the facts that the loved one isn’t there anymore, and that we will never see them again.

For so many who have experienced the loss of a loved one, we don't necessarily move neatly through the stages, or, we experience states that are not included in the stages. Commonly, crippling anxiety - sometimes health anxiety or panic attacks - can arise after a devastating loss, along with a profound sense of unsafety in the world that feels new and frightening. Yet, this feeling state or experience isn't reflected in the stages. We might wonder if we are missing something, or if there is something "off" about our grief when it doesn't align with Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression, Acceptance.

Of course, the Stages may feel helpful and applicable for some, and if that's been the case for you, that's wonderful! However, If you've felt that the Stages of Grief fell flat for you, I hope you feel validated. Grief is messy, comes and goes, and looks very different for different people, and different losses. There really isn't a right or wrong way.